Does The World Actually Want Vulnerable Men? - Connor Beaton | Modern Wisdom 692

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One Rule For Men

You don’t talk about what it’s like to be a man.

As men, we silently battle our problems—we are convinced that if we suppress our feelings until they bottom out, we will somehow be stronger than before.

This is somewhat true, as we have the capacity and the ability to muster up all our strength and courage to face life's toughest challenges.

But when this becomes our way of living, it gives us this false belief that we don’t have an exit for our pain, sadness, grief, etc.

We are living alone with our feelings, and we have no idea how to solve them. This made us create an alternate version of ourselves that is meant to be more robust.

But even this isn’t enough to produce the strength we need.

Is there no way out?

if you look at people like David Goggins and Jacko Willink, they’re confronting their problems. Not avoiding it.

You grow when you confront your problems. Face your hardship.

Competency

Connor Beaton believed that men are buying into the narrative that we have to be together to get women’s attention.

Men assume women are attracted to men who are in a pack.

Additionally, he believed all men have competition-based relationships—such as competing for status, attention, and resources.

Men are all subtly competing with one another—even with their best friends.

And to show your feelings and struggles is a sign of weakness.

Alpha Male

If you ever overhear women communicating—they're mostly talking about other women to see what they’re wearing, what color, etc.

Whereas for men, it’s in the background of the conversation. Why?

Because it’s low status to talk about status.

Chris and Connor’s primatologist friend say that we misinterpret what an “alpha” is. In nature—chimpanzee specifically—you would assume the alpha is ruling by dominance and aggression.

This does exist, but what they find out is that this kind of alpha has a shorter lifespan, and they would lead for a short time.

Interestingly, the alphas that tend to lead longer are the ones who lead through coherence within the tribe.

1 Equals 6

I’m sure you’ve heard of this quote multiple times.

But is it really true? Yes and No.

Here’s why.

Chris read a study where they put one poor performer among five great performers in a group.

They believed that the five people would bring up the performance of the poor performer.

To their surprise, it’s the opposite—one bad apple spoiled the whole barrel.

Chris concludes that human teamwork and emotions are often limited by the weakest member of the team.

We Are Incompetent

Double standard with men’s vulnerability and men’s aggression

Men should be able to express both vulnerability and aggression, but they should do so in a healthy and controlled way.

We are hearing a lot of “men need to be more vulnerable,” assuming society and the world would be better if we were vulnerable.

However, according to a study conducted in the United Kingdom on suicidal people, 92% of men who committed suicide in the United Kingdom were vulnerable.

And 80% of men who had taken their lives were labeled as having “no risk” or “low risk” of suicide.

This shows that we are culturally and socially incompetent at being able to identify what a man struggling really is.

This notion that “men need to be more vulnerable” is a really female-oriented approach to male problems. This doesn’t solve men’s problems.

Connor even heard unsettling stories of men opening up to their girlfriends.

They would end up ending their relationships in two months, or their sexual attraction would be gone, or their conversation would suddenly get stilted.

In reality, women don’t want you to be vulnerable emotionally.

Women want to know that you know what’s happening inside of you and that you have the resources around you to support it.

Women seek emotional intelligence rather than raw vulnerability.

The Risk of Internet Men’s Advice

When you look on the internet today, you’ll see lots of men’s advice on YouTube, TikTok, Reels, etc.

Connor believes that the problem with the current state of masculinity is that it is defined by outsiders—rather than by men themselves.

Statistically speaking, men are in decline—physically, mentally, in the workforce, in college, etc.

Testosterone levels are decreasing too—and men are not graduating, so on and so forth.

Connor noticed that when we talk about men improving themselves, it’s a thumbs up.

But when we try to discuss the issues that men are having, we are often met with skepticism, dismissal, or even ridicule.

These are the problems we should talk about, but we are too bamboozled by genders and other things.

The Savior

Connor read a book about how men learn how to deal with their power, aggression, and anger. This is done through the model of other men, specifically older men.

Connor believes that surrounding oneself with older men is important because older men can provide guidance and support.

And they can help young men to learn how to navigate the challenges of manhood.

Mentorship and initiation specifically have been a vital part of young boys lives throughout history, cross-culturally.

Mentors or role models can teach young men how to manage their anger in a healthy way, how to build and maintain respectful relationships with women, and how to cope with adversity.

But a lot of young boys today don’t even have role models to emulate.

They’re collapsing rapidly—and this is the consequence of removing initiation from our culture.

Masculinity

If you picture masculinity as a physical body for a moment—confusion will be one of the most toxic things for your masculine body.

As it makes it difficult for men to know who they are and what they stand for.

To address this problem, you must return to the place where you’re certain—where you’re not confused—this is the antidote.

Connor advises men to confront their own shadows, their darkness, and that part of themselves that they are insecure about.

This is the part that’s holding you back. If you don’t confront it, it’ll eat you up.

The same rule applies to religion or therapy—confession and admission are the first steps toward masculinity.

For the men out there, Connor suggests finding a therapist, psychologist, or even a group of people and confronting your problems.

When you do these things, you bring your internal truth out onto the table for other people to see so that you can solve each other's problems.

We are not meant to deal with grief or anger in isolation. We are meant to work together with like-minded people.

Like the saying “Iron sharpens iron,", find your tribe to grow into the best version of yourself.

🎉You’ve made it to the end🎉

If you like this summary, feel free to check out the full video because I cut out some interesting things.

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